Good vs. Evil
(Photo by Wikimedia Commons)
There were twin brothers and their names were Luemba and
Mavunga. While physically they were identical their personalities were
different. Both brothers were extremely handsome and strong however, Mavunga
was loved by many while Luemba kept to himself and wasn’t as talented. Mavunga
was ambitious and charming, Leumba was always jealous of his brother.
Word spread that a man by the name of Nzambi had a daughter
who was ready for marriage. She was also said to be the most beautiful girl in
the world. Mavunga, immediately knew he had to meet this woman so he set out on
a journey to win her hand in marriage.
He met Nzambi who explained to him that he is letting his
daughter choose who she will marry. He went out to meet her and she immediately
saw how handsome Mavunga was. She wanted to marry him and so her father gave
them his blessing.
The two were married and Mavunga moved in. He saw paintings
on the walls and asked why one was covered up. His new wife told him that the
place was dangerous and no one could see it because it was so beautiful that
men could not deny it, but no one ever survived.
He saw the painting and knew he had to go. He was confident
he would survive. His new wife cried and begged him to stay, but being as
ambitious and adventurous as he was, he knew he had to go. He left the next
morning, his wife still in tears.
Mavunga set off and found the land that was in the painting.
He saw an old woman that asked for his help. She told him to tie his horse up
so it doesn’t get lost and he did so and went on to help her. The old woman
tried to kill Mavunga and as he tried to get to his horse he couldn’t free the
horse in time. The old woman murdered him and his horse.
Word spread that Mavunga had not survived just like the
others. Luemba heard of his brother’s death and set off to find his brother’s
wife. When he got to the land the wife ran into his arms. She kissed him and
told him how much she loved him. She was so happy to see him.
Luemba was about to tell her who he really was, but when he
saw the people of the village welcoming him with gifts and celebrating him he
changed his mind. The village threw a big party for his return because he was
the first person to every survive the journey and come back. He felt his brother deserved to die because he
was warned and chose to go on anyway. He was tired of his brother always being
more successful and more loved.
Luemba spent the rest of his life pretending to be his
brother Mavunga and no one ever found out the truth. His wife never noticed
because she had only known Mavunga for a few days before they got married. Luemba
lived happily with his brother’s wife. They had many children.
Authors note: I chose to keep most of it the same. There were twin brothers and one was better than the other and Mavunga went off to marry a beautiful woman. He set off on the journey that killed him. However, in the real tale Leumba goes after Mavunga and finds his bones and Luemba's horse brings his brother back to life. I chose instead to make Leumba, the anti-social/underdog brother more evil and I liked the idea of him resuming his brother's life more entertaining.
Wow. I’m not really sure how I feel about this story. I usually root for the underdog but the fact the Luemba took over his brother’s life, including his place in his marriage makes me cringe. I love that you kept that ending of “…and they had many children.” Because I remember that from many of the stories I read in this set and I was a little disappointed in myself that I didn’t write something where I could maintain that ending. Anyways, you did a good job of writing this and describing the scene. I’m just not really sure if I like what Luemba did in the end!
ReplyDeletePS
I think it's a sign of good writing that your story has me thinking after the fact! I love a good story that makes me really think like this one did!
Whoa, this is definitely an interesting read. You did very well in constructing the twins lives and how they were in simplicity. Though I don't know the story, I enjoyed that you took a darker twist in the story, having Luemba keep his brother's identity. Very sad and yet it happens to many of us. A very realistic take, I believe. I've seen a movie somewhat like this, but it was a Bollywood film. It was really good! If you're interested, it's called Khiladi 275(?). It's a series of films, but all different stories so they have different numbers for each. I can't quite remember this one but it's good I swear and quite close to your story! Great job!
ReplyDeletePaulina great story! I really liked the idea that the twin brother is dark and pretends to be his brother in the end. It definitely helped that you really touched on just how different they were even though they were twin brothers. I wonder if she will ever find out because he has such a different personality! After reading your Author’s Note, I am glad that you changed the original story up a little bit. I feel that this ending displays a darker/evil side as compared to the original. Overall, I really enjoyed reading your story.
ReplyDeleteYour ending is very creative, Paulina. A clever and somewhat sinister twist on your typical happy ending resolution! Your characters are very well-positioned for this sort of story, too.
ReplyDeleteI'd suggest letting the details of your characters' actions and the environment breathe a little bit since you have the extra leeway in the word limit. Some of these details could be used to bridge some logic gaps in the plot (e.g. Mavunga's evaluation of the painting) and make the plot feel less like just a series of events.
I had to wonder about a few details like the old woman's motive in killing Mavunga and the wife's name, since every other character has a name, but are ultimately inconsequential for your message, and would only serve to make the world seem more alive if you so choose.
Overall, lovely story concept due to a sweetly sinister twist that will have even more of a lasting impression when we paint a distinct world to deliver it. Excellent work here.